Recent Funny Videos, Pictures, Jokes for Twitter

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dumsinging submitted 6 months ago

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TWO ENGLISH TOURISTS IN WALES

Two English tourists driving inWales.They stop for lunch inLlanfairpwlgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllantysiliogogogoch.One of them asks the waitress, "Could you settle an argument? Can you pronounce where we are, very, very slowly?"The girl leans over and says"Burrr-gurrr-king yoou twaaat"

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coopes64 submitted 6 months ago

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The Perfect Man

THE PERFECT MAN

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2, 000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new Models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: '$90,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000?

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 80 thousand if it's really a pretty good deal.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

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coopes64 submitted 10 months ago

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Unidentified Dancing Object

At a recent Chromatics Show a lady who had a little to much spirits was dancing while the synth player was trying to keep her from hurting herself and entertaining all at the same time.

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thechromatics80 submitted 10 months ago

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Cigarettes

Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!"

"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"

found at http://www.ticklemewithjokes.com

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